Hello friends! It has been quite a while since I last posted something on here, and I do apologize for that, but I have been having quite the busy summer. I did move back home from college, which took almost a full week to put everything back together, and did involve some rearranging of my room so that it would fit my current needs, and also the added things that I accumulated from "living on my own" for 9 months. I now have my own little desk that we scored at a yard sale for a dirt-cheap price that I can work at, and most importantly do my makeup at. I truly love the time I spend at that desk! I also re-purposed my little bathroom drawer organizer as my bedside table, which got rid of a lot of clutter around my bed. There is also a nice little rug on my floor which makes the room feel all the more inviting!
Despite all the positive changes since I moved home, there have been some negative aspects. I have been noticing myself falling back into old patterns, such as leaving things on the floor for days at a time, laying in bed all day and not getting anything accomplished, procrastinating on things that I need to get done, and the most anti-social of them all, refusing to go out and run errands alone because that feels uncomfortable. I am trying to combat all of these which is extremely difficult, but so far I have seen and felt nothing but positive outcomes and emotions from it all! I am doing my best to force myself to do things that make me uncomfortable socially since I do suffer from a pretty aggressive case of social anxiety despite my years in theatre and band. I struggle to do everyday tasks such as go and pick up some groceries or personal care items that I need by myself, or to go out in public without a friend, or even make eye contact or smile at someone that I see outside without having panic attacks ranging from an increased heart rate to full out not being able to breathe and feeling dizzy and hysteric just from the mere THOUGHT of performing these tasks. So, I have slowly been making myself do uncomfortable things with the idea that one day I will be able to go somewhere alone and ask an associate of a store where something is that I am looking for rather than wandering around the store for an hour looking for it.
I did manage to get a job, and it is working with developmentally disabled children. It is extremely tiring emotionally and physically, and I feel drained after just a few hours of work, but so far has felt okay. I know it is worth it, but it is hard to see when you have to convince yourself that you enjoy your work as you are doing it. As it stands now, this job was just a summer opportunity, but I could do similar work with a different client during the school-year if I so desired. This is something I have to think about, as I am trying to branch out and explore all of my interests to see what I would like to do for the next few years. I have also decided not to go to school this semester (not so much "decided" as "I put off registering for so long since I was so busy that I missed the dates and have no choice but to take a semester off," oops) and to think about what I would like to study, if anything. I am debating on getting a job in cosmetology, specifically makeup artistry, since that is something I could do as a mother and still have time to spend with my kids. That could be a very long time in the future however, so I do not want to base all my decisions solely on how it would work if I was a mother.
I know I keep mentioning on how I had a "busy summer", but have yet to explain why it has been busy, so I will go into moderate detail about that now. At the beginning of summer, I was taking classes for my current job and working on getting everything I needed to be officially "hired". Once I had all that done, I was working almost every day of the week, every week, and exhausting myself doing it. I then attending one of the two TRAC's (Teen Reach Adventure Camp) I had committed to doing over the summer. I only stayed at this first one for three days, but I was a Cousin (counselor) for those three days, which is arguable the most grueling and exhausting role at the camp. I then left for Nebraska the day after getting back from that camp, and was there for my nieces birthday and 4th of July (we ended up staying there almost a full week), before coming back home. I then had two days to unpack and re-pack for the next TRAC, which I stayed at for the full week. I had a few issues that I had to resolve with my work regarding a payroll error, so even during my days "off" I was stressing over how to fix the issue without getting myself or the agency in trouble in any way. I also had a difficult camper for girls camp, so my days were particularly exhausting and long for those three days, and boys camp felt significantly less stressful and tiring. I was sad to go home after camp, but also extremely ready to sleep in my own bed and be on a normal schedule for me. Plus I was getting a bit too much sun for my taste!
Overall, it has been a busy but fun summer, and I am sad to see it ending, but also excited for what the fall has to bring. I am planning a few trips with some of my friends, one for Disneyland while it is all done up for Halloween which will be extremely fun if we can make it work. I have a lot of shopping I need/want to do, and I know it would be healthy for me to go and do it alone, but does anyone actually enjoy shopping alone? I feel like it is always more fun when you have someone along with you. The only exception for me is makeup shopping since I have a passion bordering on obsession with makeup, and could stay in a Sephora swatching and staring at all the makeup for hours on end. However clothes shopping for me is tedious and boring if I do not have someone with me.
Finally, I'm sorry if this post has been all over the place or seemed unstructured. I am a bit scatter-brained lately, and I'm sure when I am more sane I will read over this and groan at how it sounds and maybe even take the time to edit it to perfection, but for now I have proof-read this and it makes sense in my current crazy-head, so I am going to post it. I am sorry for the long absence, but hopefully this made sense enough for you to see that I have been busier than usual. I do plan on posting more, especially as I continue to explore my mind and personality and discover new things about myself. I'm sure I will have some short stories that I feel comfortable posting eventually, I just have to figure out how to get all my stuff off of my old computer so that I do not lose it forever. There just seem to be a lot of little things that I need to get done lately!
If I feel up to it, I will do a full post based on the Nebraska trip, but for now, it's getting a bit late (but I will still stay up for almost 4 more hours), and my brain is fried and struggling to put coherent sentences together. So, goodnight all, and hopefully there are more posts to come sooner, and closer together.
Thank you for putting up with me
Jaina
