I am currently taking a psychology class, and in it we are learning a lot not only about personalities, but about disorders and how the brain works. Psychology has always been super interesting to me, and the human mind itself has been a long-time fascination of mine, to the point that I seriously contemplated getting into criminal psychology for a season. I decided that seeing the depravity of humans first hand would not be a good career for me, as I plan on being a mother and would like to not have images of humans kidnapping and torturing children for fun because their brain operates differently that others. There is one aspect of psychology that I am very intrigued by at the moment, which we have not yet gone into in depth in class, but glazed over one of the first few weeks, and that is the effect of early-childhood trauma on the brain over a period of time. I have a soft spot in my heart for foster care, and have seen first hand over the course of my entire life (I do not remember a time in my childhood in Iowa where we did not have foster kids in our house) how the children in the system simply behave and think differently than other kids. I would absolutely love to study them and see the effects the trauma has had on them over a period of time, and see what treatment options work best. Now, when I say "I would love to study them," I do not mean that I would delight in their condition; quite the opposite. I hold deep sorrow for what these children go through, and how none of it was there fault but they could do nothing to stop it, and now something that was out of their control, is controlling them. I would love to help them and talk to them and help them understand what makes their brain different and validate the feelings they have. To put it simply, I am rethinking my whole career path, as many college students do in their first year, and thinking about getting into Child Psychology. I do not know if God is planning to put me into a child psychology position in an office setting, within the foster care system, in a school, or if he doesn't have psychology in my future at all, but maybe has me heading towards being a crisis care counselor, but I do know that I feel a strong pull towards this field. I do not want to make any snap decisions, so I plan on taking my final year of general education credits through a community college, perhaps mostly online so I can better get a job, and throwing in a few psychology classes to really get a feel for what direction I will go in. Who knows? Maybe God will pull me into criminal psychology after all! I do know that I have a deep love for children, especially those in the foster care system, and I do know that (although this is such a relative and over-used phrase) I am good with children. This is simply the first part of figuring myself out, and this is mainly through my education and professional life.
I have also been figuring out who I am within my relationship. I do not want to go into detail here simply because I believe a relationship is between the two in it and what goes on, so long as it is not physically or emotionally damaging, is between them. Pure and simple, I do not feel the need to divulge details of my relationship on the internet, so I will glaze over it, just to get the point across of how I am discovering myself. I have never been in a relationship this long, or have had this level of a connection with someone. This comes with its own obstacles and wonderful perks, but it really makes you look at who you are as an individual, and who you are with your partner. Through my relationship, I am discovering more of who I am as an individual, and what effects that has on my relationship, and vice versa. It is a humbling experience, but also a truly exciting one.
Along the lines of "figuring myself out", I took a personality test based on the Myer's Briggs scale (the actual Myer's Briggs scale costs money to take, so I found a free alternative online that uses that same - or similar - scale). Basically, the scale analyzes your personality and places you on a scale, so whether you are more introverted or extroverted, intuitive or observant, thinking or feeling, judging or prospecting, and finally assertive or turbulent. I got INFJ-T, meaning I am Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging, and Turbulent. The website I went through, which is www.16personalities.com, gives you a full run-down of the personality and breaks it up into different categories. Mine was completely spot-on, so I highly recommend you check this out, even if it is just out of curiosity, because it can tell you a lot about yourself that you may not have ever even known. The INFJ personality makes up less than 1% of the population, which makes it the rarest of the 16 personalities. This made me feel a bit weird, as I felt like I was a special little snowflake, but also discouraged because it meant that hardly anyone has ever interacted with people who think and act like me, which makes me think that maybe I am not all that easy to interact and relate with. I have to push past this thinking, as thinking that I am hard to interact with is not going to do me any good, but since I am a little worry-wart that is not going to be an easy task.
I have also figured out that I have such a strong desire to have my own home to fill with wonderful things and clean and make my own. This is simply not practical for a 19 year old college student, but hey, a girl can dream! I plan on fulfilling this desire by redoing my room when I move back in for the summer, to make it a bit more of who I am now, and make it more inviting (I also want to add a little desk area for me to do my makeup since I enjoy that part of my day so much). I also would like to get a job, or do an internship with a foster care program or organization, a children's hospital or daycare center, or a animal shelter (because the only thing I love more than babies are dogs and cats). I do currently have an opportunity thanks to Joel to work with children, it is just a matter of it actually coming together. I would love to get paid to go do something I enjoy, even if it is simply being the receptionist at a vet's office or animal shelter or child psychiatry office, because I would be making a difference in someone else's life, and I would be getting my foot in the door in the business I most want to get into.
Writing is no less of a passion now than it has been for the entirety of my life, but the difference now is that I am studying the art of it in my own free time, and taking down ideas and working on a little project of my own that I am pretty excited about. I have been reading through a few of my old short stories and seeing if any inspiration comes from those, or if any of them have the potential to be longer pieces with a little work. Writing is not easy, despite what some may thing, and requires quite a bit of skill aside from talent (talent is something you have naturally and cannot be taught, but skill is something you have to learn and work for), but I am determined to get better and write something I am truly proud of.
Prayers for me right now would be much appreciated, as figuring out who I am is not easy or fun, even if I make it sound that way. It is an emotionally grueling process that sometimes can feel overwhelming and makes me want to give up and just stay the same (although I thrive on change so that would just end up making me even more unhappy). I have been loving my little moments when I get to read, or spend time with Joel, or even enjoy a nice cup of coffee uninterrupted. I do have to work on not letting these quiet, work-less moments overtake my life, turning my day into one unproductive mess, but that's another aspect of working on myself that I am, well, working on!
Thank you for reading this, and for any prayers or kind thoughts that you send my way. I will do my best to keep you updated as time goes on. Hopefully there will be some lovely animal stories coming up, as it is warming up outside and my momma tortoise just came out of hibernation!! Of course I have to be at home in order to have these stories, but spring break is coming up and then there is the summer, where I will have plenty of time to take Zelda to the dog park and bring Jenna out into the real sun and have her play with her momma. Alright, enough about my animals!!
Thanks for putting up with me,
Jaina
Great post! I am pretty sure your family will understand that you are a 'different' person. ;)
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